Fearing Love

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I am filled with pride -one of the infamous seven deadly sins.  Unfortunately, with this, ego usually follows.  Despite being an individual who loves happiness, peace and positivity, I suffer with these two character-killing traits.  These qualities are heightened when afraid to get hurt.  It acts as a guard or wall; built automatically when emotions of adoration or love begin to overwhelm me.  Some argue this occurs because of past pain being emulated in current situations or simply due to insecurities. 

To me, it’s both.

When one experiences circumstances where they’re feeling belittled or second best, it harms their ego.  Like a crack in a cup, no matter how much glue is used, the piece never quite fits like it did before.  The scar of the break is still evident.  Glue can be in the form of compliments, self-help, or keeping busy, but the sensation can relapse.

Growing up, my mother fed me with an analogy to explain the human mind:

Holding up a blank piece of A4, she asks, ‘What do you see?
Nothing- just white paper.
She then puts the tiniest of a dot in the middle of the page, no bigger than the size of a period.  She’ll ask me again, ‘Now, what do you see?’
A black dot.’
See- you’ve forgotten all the whiteness already.  Your attention was on the mere darkness which takes up far less than 0.01% of the whole page.  That’s how humans process negativity – it becomes their prime focus and all the good is overlooked.’ 

This elucidates why past incidents can haunt and affect the present.  It takes that one moment of pessimism to oversee happiness.  I admit that previous feelings towards myself hover in my daily life; thus, resulting in my ego.  I do not have this facade because of superiority.  Rather, it is a defense mechanism.  It’s the anticipation for history to repeat itself.  Hence, I attempt to seem strong when truly undergoing the opposite.  I try to appear resilient but deep down, I want you.  I want to send the first text or ask to meet for coffee. I want to spend time with you in any shape or form. 

But I’m too afraid. 

Or maybe…

I’m too in love. 

It’s a constant tennis game in the head; wondering what will eventually win: the yearning to talk or the fear of eventual rejection. 
There are very few people I can freely speak to first without trepidation of coming across needy, clingy, or like a burden.  Sadly, one of the two categories encompasses family (Neethi didi!) with the other being my best friend (shout out: hey T heyyyy). 

One of the biggest reasons that people fall apart is because one or both parties are too troubled at the idea of being the one that loves more.  It is satisfying to know that someone else has an unfathomable amount of adoration for the other.  Nevertheless, affection should be limitless.  It is easier said than done.  I am a preacher not a follower on this topic.

I always told myself to be a hurricane and not a leaky faucet when it comes to expressing your feelings towards someone.  It could be a best friend, family member or whomever you have a distinct relationship with.  I do try to give every fibre of my being, however, I reach a point where I hit a wall.  Beyond this imaginary fence is a lot more to be felt and evoked.  Nonetheless, my guard is up.  I start to alarm myself at the amount of love I have; causing me to take a step back.  I begin to wait.  The questions sing-song in my head: Am I worthy for a call? Do you want to text me?  Are you thinking about me like I’m thinking about you? 

Every time my phone vibrates; I jolt at the thought that it could be you.  When it begins to light up, I hope you’re ringing.  When I open the door, I want you to be on the other side. 

And when it’s not you, I’m disappointed. 

I miss you more than you think.  But my ego prevents me from expressing it.

I now realize how exhausting it is to have this frontage.  This deprivation of regard stirs more problems than the wall is worth.  It plays out that I do not care, they’re no longer significant, or I’ve forgotten.  Conversely, my intentions are the opposite.  I care too much, you’re too significant, and I can never forget.  Yet I still cannot bring myself to tear down this barrier despite knowing how tiresome it is.  One shouldn’t have this petrified ambiance. 

Do not let the person, who will go through tremendous lengths, ever feel less than their value.  That is a punishment and they’re the last person deserving of it.  Hold on to them.  Remind them of their worth.   Tell them you love them.  Because one day you may not be able to.  They’ll be so drained by trying.  They may give up.  It can come to the conclusion that, ‘I’ve done everything I could, and yet still I can’t get through to her.’  And that is the most painful sensation- for them and for you.  


If you are reading this, I am so sorry I’m so afraid but trust me when I say I love you.  So much so that I surprise myself at the thought that I probably love way more than you think. 
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