Tag | Strength in Numbers + Bullying

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Let's get a little serious today.  I've done a tag that is quite similar which focused more on inner beauty but I wanted to look at the 'Strength in Numbers' tag which I followed about 4-5 years ago as it does resonate with me.  I've been bullied since I could remember and I was very easy target to say the least.

1. Have you ever felt unconfident before and why? 

Yes of course, everyday I have a moment where I feel very little confidence.  I think it is quite an innate emotion that has festered ever since I was about 4 years old after my first bullying experience.  Growing up, I was pretty average in all aspects of my life.  There was nothing I was amazingly good at that really defined my personality or gave me unique traits I was proud of.  I was made fun of for YouTubing, despite it being my passion, my grades sank like a boat with holes around Year 12/13 (or 11th/12th Grade for my American readers), and my friendships and relationships were very strained.

My undergraduate degree was probably the height of all sorts of pain.  I felt extremely average in academics despite scoring well because I was consistently around people who were doing 'real degrees'.  What I was studying was belittled in comparison to Engineers, Computer Scientists, Medics, Lawyers, and everything else which I wasn't.  In addition, my appearance was compared to others and I didn't even know I had certain flaws before until then.

2. Do you lose confidence when you don't feel 'pretty'?

Yes of course.  I think they sometimes come hand in hand.  It's gotten so bad that, on some days I would feel so horrible to the point where I won't want to leave the house.  But confidence is a muscle that we need to constantly exercise, so sometimes I do need to drag myself out of bed but I never regret doing it. 

3. What makes you feel confident about yourself?

Deep down, I think one beautiful gift God has given me is the gift of guilt which stops me from actively causing harm to others, the gift of loyalty as if I love you as a friend or otherwise, it's only you, and the gift of creativity to allow me to express my feelings into poetry.  I also quite admire my hard-working nature and that 'nerdy' aspect of me.

4. Have you been bullied? 

Yes, as I aforementioned it is the foundation of my insecurities and lack of confidence considering I've been bullied since I was little.  People stole my milk money or took my chocolate milk boxes my mom would pack for me.  Anyone remember Yahoo Chocolate Milk?

5. Did you ever bully someone?

I never went to someone and made fun of them earnestly, but I have gotten angry and upset at people before which I do think is an extension of bullying in that sense.

6. Whether you were a bully, or being bullied, how did it make you feel? 

It made me feel like trash.  Like I was worthless, and I began to think that God made a mistake with me because I didn't understand why I was getting so much hate for things which didn't seemed to be a problem before.  It absolutely crushed my confidence because I was compared to other people from a young age by classmates and even relatives.  It was a snowball effect of things building up.

7. How do you deal with bullying? 

I got closer to God.  Having faith in God's plan gives me immense strength as I've spent the last few years trying to fit shoes that aren't mine to begin with.  Spending time with my mom as well has highlighted the aspects of me I want to let free.  In addition, writing, especially poetry, has been a fantastic outlet for me alongside dancing.  Everyday, I write little letters to God or even my future husband (super corny I know) but it makes me feel very happy to know that God is always listening and there.  I also throw myself in work and blogging is a great distraction from those kind of sad thoughts.

8. Do nicer people seem more 'beautiful' to you? 

Without a doubt.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't care for looks at all and never have, and a person becomes beautiful to me if their soul is beautiful.  People that make others feel beautiful are beautiful to me.

9. Does makeup make you feel prettier? 

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  Somedays, I do feel a lot more prettier when I'm not wearing any makeup and going out happy in my natural skin but other times, when my makeup was done well, that makes me feel equally pretty.  I never reached for makeup as a means of increasing my confidence.

10. What do you think of the expression 'beauty comes from inside'? 

I believe that, at the end of the day, the more you unravel the true layers of someone's soul, the more you see their true appearance.  People are a reflection of their thoughts, feelings, how they make you feel, etc.  Therefore, I do think that beauty 100% comes from the inside.
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